Great news, Stanford fans! I went back in time and saved Leland Stanford Jr's life. As I'm sure you all know, your beloved school exists because of the death of a child. The only reason your degree has any merit is because a boy died 150 years ago. That blood is on your hands.

Leland Stanford was so distraught over the abrupt passing of his 16 year old son, he created Stanford for the people of California (which is why it makes a lot of sense that 61% of current Stanford freshhumans are out of state).

To Leland Stanford, the people of California were to be his children, which makes sense because I want to work my own children to death building the railroad, too. This is why I went back in time and helped save this man's life. In gratitude, Leland Stanford Jr named his university in my honor. This is like Back To The Future III where the photos change name as history changes.

Now, Iistead of Stanford University, you're going to TwistNHook Senior University! Your degrees have *my* name on them! The smiling group of multi-ethnic NHook students adorning your acceptance packages has *my* face photoshopped on to them. It's a great school! GO FIGHTING MARSHAWNS!

On a gorgeous fall day, you now can all head off to class to get a degree in klezmer! You can buy any number of scoop neck shirts from the TwistNHook Senior University Student Store in any number of blue or gold colors! Plus, every Tuesday is Lawyerday, so you get that day off of class! All you have to do is remember to bill your time in 6 minutes increments on Tuesday in honor of all the great things lawyers do for America. Like bill their time in 6 minute increments!

See, at TwistNHook Senior University, you are not just a number, not just a nameless face, you are a warm body designed to laugh at my jokes. Whether its a Tight 5, a Tight 10, or even a Tight 45, people will be contractually required to laugh at my routines. You can spend your Lawyerdays practicing your own routines and then I'll help punch them up for you.

Unrelated story, the band has not changed a bit. NOT AT ALL! That TwistNHook Senior University band, they're so zany! What with their Ewoks playing the tuba, and their complete and total inability to carry a tune, and men wearing wedding dresses, it's not forced at all! Is this the part where we jump?

I guess the biggest change now at TwistNHook Senior University is that you don't automatically get an A just for pretending to care about creating an agenda to look into forming a committee to pass a non-binding resolution about attending class. You actually have to try to get good grades. Like if you want to get an A, you have to get 90% or better on your tests, not 9% or better, like it was at the former Stanford university.

I'm here for you! I want to know what other changes make the most sense as we transition Stanford Jr. University to TwistNHook Senior University. I may only have 4 seconds to answer your questions, but I'm sure we can all agree that that is more than enough time. GO BEARS!